penis drinking straws

The First Penis Straw: A True Internet Legend

The penis straw made its introduction in 1958 at a bachelorette party in Des Moines, Iowa. Bride-to-be Betty Sargeant had been engaged to Brad for almost two years and, although she loved him, they had never done the deed. Sex was for after marriage, a not-uncommon sentiment in the Eisenhower era.
Betty Sargeant: Innocent

Betty’s maid of honor was Veronica Pulltab, a pretty but wild girl who said things like, “Who wants to get married when there are so many men around to fuck?” That’s right, the F word, right out in public. Veronica and Betty had been BFFs in high school, and while they hadn’t spent a lot of time together since graduation, no one else could have been maid of honor.

At the wedding shower, Veronica cornered Betty in the kitchen. “Betts, this is lame. You should have a real party. Just us unmarried types. We’ll drink, talk about men, and say mean things about girls we hate. Whaddya say?”

Betty said no, that sounded like trouble and she knew her mother wouldn’t approve. “Too bad, we’re doing it,” Veronica replied and the planning began.

The bachelorette party started calmly. Betty promised herself that she would only have one drink, but her resolve lasted about half an hour. After her third Grasshopper, the room got kind of blurry yet Betty could still tell that Veronica was up to something. It didn’t take long to find out what.
Betty and Veronica

Veronica came out of the kitchen holding a tray of filled glasses. “Enough with the pussy drinks, girls,” she announced. “We’re switching to the hard stuff: bourbon and cock, I mean coke!” She laughed maniacally and set the tray on the table.

Betty steadied herself and moved closer. A straw was sticking out of each Tom Collins glass and around each straw Veronica had formed some modeling clay.

Betty reached out to touch one of the clay objects with a look of wonder on her face. “What is it, Vernie?” she asked, puzzled. Veronica put her arm around her friend’s shoulder. “Oh, honey, I know you’ve never seen a real one before, but don’t you recognize it? It’s a penis. You know, a man’s pee pee. A wiener. A Thing.”

Everyone had been laughing but the room grew quiet as the women watched the blood drain from Betty’s face. They saw reality creeping into her brain, cell by cell. Finally she looked up at her friend and said, “Am I supposed to put a dick in my mouth?”

That was the real beginning of the best bachelorette party ever held, at least up to that point, and the first time that penis straws were introduced in public. The aftermath stunned Des Moines and the rest of the world. Everyone who attended made sure that penis straws became a standby at every bachelorette party held since.

Life worked out well for Betty, though not the way she had planned. She saw her share of “Things” after that, but not Brad’s. Turned out he was gay and didn’t want Betty anywhere near his throbbing love muscle. Betty and Veronica enrolled at the University of Iowa, went to a lot of parties, voted for JFK, and are still enjoying themselves. As Betty always says, “Once you’ve put a penis straw in your mouth, you’re never the same person.”

Well said, Betty. Well played, Veronica.

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